How to Survive a Mafia Hit
If you are reading this you are a very lucky person indeed, maybe you were tipped off or possibly you were even lucky enough to survive an attack. However what is in the past is not important what really matters is that if the Mafia missed once they will not miss again. So as an expert on all matters, I have written this handy set of instructions on how to avoid being killed or tortured by the Mafia.
1) Hide. Trust me if you can hide from the Mafia it is definitely the best way to go I recommend moving to a secret house deep in a California desert. Unless you have instructions from- er Mr. Smith against hiding, it is definitely the way to go.
2) Curl up into a ball, while effective this method is only to be executed with great skill.What not to do; when the hit man sits on the bar stool next to you, you drop down and curl up into a ball protecting you’re neck and other valuable organs. The proper way; if you know that the hit man is coming in the next few hours, use a razor blade to make a small incision in the back of you’re sofa or Lazy Boy®, curl up inside the particular furnishing then have a friend push it back against the wall. Please note: If this is what you are planning it may be wise to bring food and water.
3) Pretend to be Hermit the Frog, (only for amphibian creatures) according to film and television lure a certain famous show business frog once had an older brother who lived a secret live of crime while being a shame they still loved him. Tragically, Hermit’s dangerous, yet low profile life of crime was, eventually ended by officer Joe Burnett (the man who killed Edward Capehard O’Kelly, the man who had killed Robert Ford who was famous for killing Jessie James). This saddened the Frog family and eventually Kermit (hearing about the older brother he never knew) decided to do something, something that would both keep his brother in their hearts while bettering the world. He took his dead brother’s name and created a series of fake IDs and papers which he gave to those who had been wrongfully accused of crimes with there new names these frogs were able to get across the border to and away from the government. You too can do this with a little bit of know how, it’s definitely challenging but if it means living without fear then it’s worth it.
4)Those are three things you can do now for some things, which you should only do if you want to die.
Go to prison: lots of people think this will get them out of harms way, it won’t. Most mafia establishments have more then one on the inside and you will end up dead anyway.
Curl up into a ball (see step number 2 for proper technique)Go ‘Rambo’ on them: this does not work.
Cry: You are the end of you’re rope there is nothing else you can do, it’s probably better to go quietly then go out kicking and screaming.